I feel compelled to break down the walls that separate you, the loyal blog reader, and me, your business knowledge sensei. i feel compelled to give those walls an executive inspiration roundhouse kick to the face to share something with you. That thing is gratitude. Let that sink in for those extra nanoseconds it takes things to sink in for you. That's right, I said gratitude. You see, I would never have been able to achieve such exaltation in all things business without you. Truly, a pyramid without layers is just a big and pointy rock sitting in the hot sand. A waterfall without water is just a majestic, towering cliff face. You are the layer upon layer of dark and pungent tomb upon which I survey my world. You are the water tumbling endlessly to it's doom that refreshes my awesome facade. 

It is with this, the most world's most humble, elite-level lux gratitude, that I look to my future real world interaction with you, the people making it happen on the mean streets of Walnut Creek day after day. I feel so lucky for you to be in my presence and so blessed for the measurable benefits this weekend will bring to your franchise.

To show you my gratitude, I'm bringing you the absolute latest in top-of-the-line. state-of-the-art, ghost-ass-kicking technology. I am bringing you the hottest in-depth market research for your area. I am bringing you the full furious force of the Ghost Patrol headquarters executive team. Together we will plunge headlong into a battlefield of ghosts and money and we are gonna plunge back out with our pockets stuffed with both. You're welcome.

It's funny how times change, isn't it? For instance, the human entities that make up the executive board of Ghost Patrol International Holdings LLLC were once executives for rival companies. And those companies had nothing to do with paranormal investigation and elimination. One was a successful wasteland transportation services conglomerate and the other was lowkey, a company best known for its failed efforts to breed a sloth with a donkey. It failed in so many ways, you guys. And the executive board of Ghost Patrol LLLC still sit as executives of companies which simultaneously compete with, contract with and contract as Ghost Patrol. This, budding entrepreneurs, is business.

What has me in a mood for dredging up the past? Well, you could say that we are getting the band back together. For a brief moment in time, all of the Ghost Patrol executives, sans one dangerous recluse whose location is known only to CIA satellites and a family of cybernetics enhanced raccoons, are going to be in the same place at the same time. When we first incorporated, the other executives informed me of the importance that we never all be in the same place at the same time and that I, personally, due to my incredible importance, should stay away from them altogether. If ever there were to be a cataclysmic event, the company could continue sans a C-something-O. The funny thing is they are always tagging each other in pictures on Facebook and attending events to which I'm not invited. 

I had a lot of time to think on my way to California. I made a stop at an exclusive resort hidden deep in the Askja caldera in Iceland. Either "let me Askja a question" jokes are not appreciated there or they couldn't understand my thick American accent. They are pioneering a new kind of sensory deprivation tank there. Instead of the usual abyss of hallucinatory terror where the only sounds are the beating of your heart and the tinkle of your tinkle, these tanks have chairs and you can keep your underpants on (but you don't have to!). These super exclusive tanks are reserved for only their palladium-level and above members. The tank is roughly 900 square feet and the layout is that of a one bedroom apartment. You eat non-luxury food, sleep in a non-luxury bed, watch a single television with basic cable, listen only to the music available on free radio stations. Nothing is luxury. The sheets have an actual thread count instead of just an infinity symbol, the chair is a Poang. The internet is Comcast Xfinity. The wine selection consists of one red and one white and both are bottled by Trader Giuseppe. You can keep your cell phone but you can only get bars if you stand on the toilet and there are no Pokestops nearby. Once you enter, you cannot leave for 24 hours. It's a total mind bender. It just really makes you feel appreciation and empathy for things.

It took nearly two weeks in that chamber before I mustered to courage to do what I knew needed doing. For the first time in years, I had to go to work. 

They say it takes money to make money and here at Ghost Patrol International Holdings LLLC. there's nothing we enjoy more than taking your money to make you money. Recently we were contacted by an extremely satisfied franchise owner with a great deal of experience in attending our seminars. He shared with us that the level of success he had expected and the level of success he'd achieved were wildly different! Wow! But he wanted to know how he could achieve VIP-level enrichment maximization beyond the incredible fulfillment that comes just from being part of the Ghost Patrol family. 

I was meditating on that very thing in my Ashram brand spa tent on a custom blue sand beach on an island that isn't on poor people GPS when I started to feel something funny and bad in my head and tummy at the same time. Was this feeling guilt? Accountability? There was no way to know but I made a promise to myself on that day to never feel anything like that again. I ordered Simeon, the booze Panda, to fetch me more of that vodka made with the tears of the financially ruined and set to work writing a masterpiece of giving back, Your Efforts Have Been Inadequate. "But, Matthew" you might say, "Surely you are in some small way culpable for what you have wrought upon the world." You're wrong. You're wrong and I'm not even angry. We are a family and I want you to be happy so I'll share with you some chapters from my new book:

1. The Iceberg of Ignorance
2. Are you a Chihuahua or a Cheetah?
3. Deep Sprinting to Supernatural Productivity
4. The Exactly 4 Habits of Great Leaders
5. You Are Not A Tree: The Root of The Problem
6. Preparing Your Career For a Permanent Vacation
7. The 7 Signs Your Employees Are Stealing Your Success
8. The Effort Paradox

To find out more, buy my book and read your way into the mindfulness of excellence. Bless.

Throughout modern history there are literally tons of examples of technology making our lives easier. It seems as though every time we face adversity, a new technology rises up to battle that adversity and win. Horse excrement on your oxfords? BAM! The automobile. Stiff neck from looking at Big Ben all day? BOFF! The wristwatch. Suffering a sarcastic cartography staff? ZAP! Mapquest. Infant heirs falling out of the penthouse window? ZWOSH! The baby cage. Technology has never once gone astray.

But with our hectic modern lives, it can be easy to get lost in all of the things we never imagined we'd still be doing for ourselves. Did I tell TaskRabbit to pick up my dry cleaning or did I tell Amazon Echo to do it? I find my interactions with Alexa to be so invigorating, so arousing. I love the way she coyly pretends to not know what I'm talking about. She knows and she also knows that I like to be challenged because I'm a challenged kind of man. 

I was reminded of this as I sunbathed on my yacht. I was Snapchatting my doodle to my extensive list of gold-tier followers when my pet Orca, Spotty, playfully spouted into my mid-morning virgin Shirley Temple (I have my staff booze it up and then de-booze it so that it tastes like extra effort). As I tried to steady my bevvie I dropped my iPhone 6s right on the sensor module of my Swabbie Deck Hand Roomba causing it to careen directly into the path my pet Kinkajou, Scampers. Well long story short, my Kinkajou has been at half mast since Sunday.

Though technology stands as permanently infallible, man remains a creature of exotic tastes and wildly expensive fixations. Perhaps it is this duality that drives us to dream better, invent bigger and to one day solve the mystery of it all.

When seventeen legally independent entities, two banks with sovereign territories that you've probably never heard of in their names, and I originally incorporated to form Ghost Patrol International Holdings LLLC, it was with an equitable interest share of a common dream. We dreamed that the only way to achieve that dream was to dream a dream too close to the sun on dreams of wax, consequences be damned! But, you know what? There have never been any consequences and there never will be.

When we first foresaw a world free from supernatural and monetary burden for the common man we knew we would not stop until every ghost was eradicated and every royalty, reimbursement and percentage on sales from our franchises was collected, laundered and hung out to dry in the sun on some beautiful friggin' island where we named all of the birds so that we could grant them citizenship and then purchase their real estate. I personally know the Mayor of that island and can get you a tee time to play the sweetest holes you will ever see in your life. But I won't.

So how do you avoid falling into the leadership trap? Don't worry about placing blame when things don't go your way. Free yourself from the burden of culpability. When the feds show up at your door, ask yourself why there's a door. Who even answered the door? Was it a leader or someone who has never even heard the name of a leader? Do you like my title? I invented that title when I re-invented myself. That title can be parsed so many ways that if you ever try to accuse me of being any one or a combination of those words I will litigate your face off. 

As a Senior Management Operations Director with Ghost Patrol International Holdings LLLC, I often face the challenge of wondering what it would be like to be called upon to share my professional wisdom. I ideate feelings of goodness. I imagineer a tingly sensation, like when my personal massage therapist, Doreen, uses that mentholated balm that feels good and scary, but good scary, all at once. I think about how my guidance might reap incredible profits for my franchise owners and for myself and my company or how it could devastate numerous lives with absolutely no repercussion to me whatsoever. Seriously, there would be no repercussion. That's a funny word, ree-purr-cuss-shun. The world of business is rich with exactly those kinds of opportunities for insight. As a Ghost Patrol franchise owner you may, from time to time, be faced with challenges that seem insurmountable. It is in those time that I encourage you to truly express your independence, to solve your own problems, to maybe try googling it. Make time for your needs. Eat right. Adopt an exotic pet. Change your hairstyle and color. Consider changing your name to just initials. Make a list of non-extradition treaty countries and keep it on your nightstand. Whatever you do, remember that Ghost Patrol International Holdings LLLC maintains the right to disavow any knowledge of your existence. Namaste.